Vote for Mitchell!

Today I am announcing my intentions to run in the distant future for Premier of Alberta Canada.
I feel that the most appropriate way to explain my political platform will be to hold a mock press conference. I will make up questions that the Canadian press would have asked me had they had the chance, and then answer them. Feel free to ask other questions by leaving a comment.

Q: Do you feel you can properly relate to the people of Alberta even though you've yet to even visit the province?

A: Of course I can relate the the people. I'm more Albertan than you may realize. First of all, I have always been a hockey fan. I know my cross-check from my forecheck and can spot a high-sticking double minor from the upper deck of the Saddledome.

Q: Several prominent Albertans have expressed doubt that you will be able to literally understand the people of Alberta as they have a different English dialect. Can you do something to put those people at ease?

A: My parents have recently moved to Montana which is full of "Near-Canadians". I am now accustomed to the accent of these peoples and am confident I can make a seamless transition to "Full-Canadians". As far as demonstrating my proficiency with the Canadian dialect, I not only understand it, I can explain it my US counterparts. I imagine myself as a bridge between Alberta and the US. The following is a sample of my translating ability:
Took = beanie
Looney = dollar bill
Tooney = two dollar bill
Any word with "ag" is pronounced "eg" in Alberta. For example....Flag=Fleg, Gag=Geg

Q: Why run for Premier of Alberta?

A: The first thing that really caught my attention was the title. Premier is much cooler than governer. Other than that.... uhhhh.... I have a love for the people of Alberta.... and hockey..... and ice!

Q: What are some of the top issues faceing Alberta now?

A: Well I think the first thing that comes to mind is that the Calgary Flames haven't won the Stanley Cup in a real long time. I think we need to bring Wayne Gretzky back to Alberta. I think I speak for all of Alberta when I say that we miss him. He is the great one! Other than that I think we need to bring back traditional Canadian Mounties and sponsor youth TP raids on Eastern Canadian areas.

A vote for me is truly a vote for all that is good in Canada.

LOLCat......TRAP!

If perchance, you glance at a neighbors computer screen and see a cat dressed or posed in an unusual manner, RUN AWAY! If you don't give credence to my warning you will see misspelled words strung together by shamefully- bad grammar, captioning the odd-cat picture. If you see those words, DON'T READ THEM, RUN AWAY! If you look bad at the screen for a third time your neighbor will surely take notice of your interest in the cat pictures and explain the dangerous concept of LOLCats.

I first became aware of LOLCats through work. I fell into the above trap and was introduced to a whole website full of pictures of cats doing weird things and then captioned as if the cat itself was explaining the picture. The first LOLCat I ever saw was the infamous Burgeoise Cat. The cat was somewhat amusing so I investigated further and found that there is an entire community of people who seem to live for the thrill of seeing weird cat after weird cat.

Lolcaters can comment on the thousands of postings of pictures but don't be alarmed if you can't understand the comments, because the even the comments are written in the narrowly-celebrated lolcat language. They even have the bible translated into this heathen language.

So you may ask, how does this affect my personal life? What is the lesson to be learned? Well I'll tell you. People who start LOLCating eventually find themselves sucked into a world of pretend humor (and also a pretend language). Sure, one or two of the LOLCat pictures are funny, but the vast majority are funny only to loyal LOLCat followers. If you laugh at LOLCat picture that noone else laughs at, you know you have been sucked in. If you say something to your friend like "I can has cheezburger", you know its gone to far. You are officialy ensnared in the LOLCat trap. Now dear reader, if you find yourself in the LOLCat trap, don't be ashamed. You can find solace in knowing that there are thousands of people just like you, they just haven't become self-aware yet. I haven't met anyone who has overcome the LOLCat trap but I'm sure that it can be done with the help of trustworthy friends and perhaps ecclesiastical leaders. If you value your ability to spot good humor, the best advice I have is to simply never get close to the LOLCat trap.